DAY FIVE

So recently Ive been swamped with school, work, friends, family, and most of all drama. Oh geesh....But Ill get to that later because I have a huge story.

So last night I was sitting at dinner with my parents and I recieved a call from my friend S. I love S, he's a great friend and person. So I answered thinking nothing was wrong. He said he had big news for me, so I became excited and then he said that it wasnt good. So I walked up to my room for some privacy. He then proceeded to tell me that he had got a girl pregnant. WHAT?!?

That was my initial reaction. I decided that being angry wasnt being supportive so I got over my own hang ups and listened to what he had to say. He told me his story. He has been dating this stripper named L. She actually already has a kid. But they have been dating/kinda since summer before he left for college. I have never met her so I cannot pass any judgement on her. But S is 18 and she is like 20. So it makes me wonder about her a little bit.

So, I guess, when he had come home and visited it must have happened. S is going to college, trying to learn, trying to make a living, trying to grow up. The last thing he needs is to be tied down to a stripper or to have a kid to have to take care of. You know? Like NO ONE needs that at 18 years old.

I do not believe in abortion. I am very pro-life, or else I though I was. I believe in saving sex for marriage as well. Because I believe in saving sex then there should be no use for abortions if youre in a happy, trusting, and safe relationship-which is what marriage is. So to me if you put yourself in a position where you might have a child with someone you do not trust you should suffer the consequences.

But then rape comes into play. Should someone who's raped be made to keep the child? If I am pro-life I should say yes, but why would a rape victim have to face that horrible night everytime she looks her child in the face? She shouldn't and therefore, someone who's raped should not be made to keep the child.

Then S happened. I have always warned my friends about getting pregnant/getting other people pregnant because it is a very easy thing to do. All my friends have sex, which is fine. I just expect them to be smart about it if they feel they are mature enough to make that decision. S cannot have a child. But, if I am pro-life then I should want him to. AH!

This ladies and gentlemen is the grey area of abortion. Because some people really cannot have children, like S, but then some abuse abortions. And they will have multiple abortions in their life. Thats why I do not believe in abortion. Some people look at it as a free ticket out of the responsibility of a child. You did it, you pay the consequences. S would not be able to take care of the child and it would hold him back, this is his fault though.

So overall, I guess I dont really know where I stand now on the abortion issue. Maybe I am in the pro-life/depends on the situation party. Basically I dont think just anyone should be able to get an abortion, because people view this as an out if they get pregnant, in other words theres no consequences. Without consequences, people will continue to have unprotected sex before marriage which will contribute to the spread of STDs.

I believe with consequences, like no abortions or birth control (excluding condoms because they help stop the spread of some STDs) people will start thinking about the real fact that they will get pregnant. Maybe when people realize this the number of people that save sex for marriage will increase and the spread of STDs will go down as well as the number of people who are infected.

It's definately something to think about. Why do we need to rely on birth control and abortions to keep us from getting pregnant so that we can have as much sex as we want? Why cant everyone just have some control and rely on abstinence-the only 100% effective method aganist pregnancy and STDs-to keep them from making mistakes with people that they wouldnt want to be tied down with for the rest of their lives?

I guess I dont know the answer because I have waited and its great. I feel like I have something to offer that none of my other friends have-I am a virgin. It's kind of powerful. How many people think the way I do? Um, not many. And maybe its because there are no consequences for their actions...and maybe their should be.

DAY THREE

Today I went to lunch with my friend L. We somehow got on the subject of sex and relationships. I told her how what I thought and she agreed for the most part. She's not a virgin, and that's okay with me. I do not care what others choose to do, on the other hand, my friends better be careful before they make a huge decision like the one to have sex. L joked and said she wanted to have a baby. I became super uncomfortable. Even though she was joking, the fact that she said that made me want to puke.

Then a very ironic thing happened. A man with a daughter and son sat in the booth behind us that I was facing. We were eating at Burger King and we were sitting by the room that had the kid's play area in it. I noticed that the man was staring at me. I got really uncomfortable because I did not know why he was staring at me. I figured he had to be about 40 or so because his kids were about 5-7 years old. He did not sit down for what seemed like 2 minutes, but kept looking over my way. He finally did sit down and I pointed at a kid in the play area. The kid was making funny faces in the tube and it cracked me and L up. The scary man then turned around, looked at me, and said, "Is he yours?" I think I died right there. I became so uncomfortable it was indescribable. I looked at him, infuriated, and said, "No, I am seventeen years old." He said he was sorry and turned around. I could not believe the audacity of that man. Do I really look like someone who's had a kid, or is old enough to have a kid for that matter? Um...NO!

I thought about this the rest of the afternoon and while I was at work. I could not figure out if the man honestly believed that I was old enough to be married with kids or if he thought that I was a young teenager with a kid that was okay to hit on? Or maybe he was just trying to start a conversation with me because he thought I was old enough to be talking to him. I am not really sure, but whatever the reason was, I was scared.

But if the man thought that that was my kid and he knew my age, what has come of society? Is it now considered normal to have a kid while in high school? Not that this is a bad thing, due to the fact that I have known people that have gone through this, but I would not wish this upon anyone. It's very hard, with criticisms, school, parents, money, and relationships. Basically your whole life gets a lot harder. I certainly do not know first hand what it is like, but I can only imagine how hard it is. I wonder if they know the consequences of their actions? I wonder if they think about what rumors will be spread about them, etc?

It just worries me about young teenage girls today and the media. When you turn on the television all you see is SEX. I'm so sick of it, that I watch an average of about 1 hour of television a week. I hate music videos because they're slutty and trashy. They make money, sex, and drugs seem the most important things in the world, when they're not. They make it seem that girls like me are too fat and not hot and not important because we do not get attention from all the guys. Well, if the guys are giving me attention because all they want is sex, then I do not want to be talking to them. I am not tagged with the word slut, and I'm not because the guys do not look at me. So therefore, I am content with the matter. But some girls crave the attention of everyone, and force themselves to lose weight, or dress a certain way, or do certain things. They think that by doing these things they will look cool and desirable but really they are hurting themselves by not committing to the real them. It is a sad thought that the media is now controlling our feelings and actions. It's also sad that people are thinking less of themselves because of it. Hopefully, people will someday understand that it's not about looks, but what's underneath; anyone who will not take the time to get to know you for those reasons is not worth your time. 

Samudaya: There is a cause for suffering. (It is the desire to have and control things. It can take many forms: craving of sensual pleasures; the desire for fame; the desire to avoid unpleasant sensations, like fear, anger or jealousy.)

ABOUT ME

Today I woke up and went to work. I work as the Marketing Intern at a store in my city called Centerville Coin & Jewelry Connection. I absolutely love it. It is the best job for me. I have the best boss, the best coworkers, and am getting the best experience in the business/marketing field.

I am a senior at Centerville High School. Through my years at high school, and my whole life, I have learned many things and encountered many different experiences. Through all of this I have been compelled to write about my experiences and beliefs. I choose to do this because I feel like all of humanity is going down hill through loss of morals, loss of the understanding of right and wrong, and loss of knowing or understanding the purpose of their lives.

I admit that I am not perfect, and I never will be. I hope to better myself through posting my beliefs and experiences. My life has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I have battled with low self-esteem and depression since middle school. I know others have had it way worse, but experiencing those illnesses has given me a different perception on life. I go to a wonderful counselor who I can tell anything and everything to, and she listens to me. I have also worked on changing my thought processes and controlling my emotions before they became out of control. Through all of that I overcame, for the most part, my depression. I am proud to say that I am happy with who I am and what I stand for.

BUDDHISM

I recently started studying Buddhism. I learned about it in my Global History class at school and decided to look into it more. So, I went home and looked it up. For the past couple days I have been reading materials on the religion, and I have decided to start studying it on a regular basis.

I do not believe in God. I have tried to believe in God, it just does not make sense to me. No offense to people who do, but I have trouble believing in something that I cannot see.

One of the many principles of Buddhism is enlightenment. You reach an enlightened state when you can release your attachments to desire and self. And until that happens that entity with be reincarnated until an enlightened state is achieved. Then that entity can reach Nirvana, a state of liberation and freedom from suffering.

I have always believed that our lives are already planned out for us, like a R.L. Stein Choose Your Scare Book, all we have to do is chose what path to take when we reach the fork in the road. I also have always believed in reincarnation due to the fact that I experience what they call "Deja-Vu" very frequently. When this happens I always think..."Why was I supposed to remember this moment," or "Why is this moment significant," etc.

DAY ONE

As I was saying before, I woke up and went in to work around 10am. While at work I was talking with my friend A about what I did last night with my other friend G. We went to this kids house and hung out with a bunch of people I did not know. I made friends with some people. But my friend likes to flirt a bunch, and she's beautiful, so she can get away with it. I on the other hand prefer to be like one of the guys. There's many reasons behind that. I used to be like her, but I got sick of feeling used and abused, and really, I'd much rather go out with my friends than worry about a boyfriend or something. That right there is probably the most beneficial realization I've made in my whole life. Since I realized that my worth was not dependant on whether a guy thought I was hot or liked me or something, my world completely changed. I feel like a new person. I wish I would have made this decision when I was a freshman, it would have saved a lot of hurt. But then again, without that hurt and suffering, I might never have come to this conclusion.

Anyways, when my friend used to act like this I used to feel like it was a competition to see who could get the most attention or numbers, etc. I never would win. When I would not win I would feel ugly, fat, stupid, and basically terrible. My self-confidence dropped to nothing and I wanted to die right there. There were times where I thought about who would care if I died, and I had dreams about who would be at my funeral. Those are scary thoughts! I probably did not win because the guys we were flirting with did not care about our personalities or our feelings, but cared about getting action. I am a virgin, by choice. That is why the guys never would talk to me - they knew. I am choosing to save sex for marriage. When I was a little girl, I made many promises to myself. Of those promises I can only keep one, and thats saving sex for marriage. All of my friends have had sex, and they tell me how much they admire me for my decision. All of them also say they wish they would have waited. And when they tell me that my self-confidence goes through the roof, I suddenly feel admired and somewhat beautiful and pure because of the decision I've made.

Basically, I have overcome a huge issuse that I used to have. Its a great feeling.

The first training or practice of Buddhism: Sila: Virtue, Good Conduct, Morality.